The Alphabet
by Darth Vyper
Summary: 26 mini drabbles based on one alphabet per chapter featuring the motley DS saga crew. Meet and greet the insane sheer randomness and total dramamama of the vampire world. Flip a coin and take your chances. I guarantee brain damage whichever way.
1. A is for Ape

**Summary : ****A 26 part mini drabble series featuring various words representing each alphabet, starring different people of the DS crew. WARNING! Further scrutiny is strongly inadvisable. The content is random, chaotic and logic does NOT apply here. Might pose hazardous to brain chemistry, should you reread it more than five times. Turn back if the following symptoms are felt : Dizziness, nausea, brain haemorrhage, goose bumps, random bouts of insanity, craving for sharp pointy objects, glaring at random pieces of cheese, toxic bowel syndrome, diarrhoea, stealing funky straws from Starbucks, acid reflux and sinus infections. You have been warned!**

**-If the following symptoms are not present, please proceed at your own risk. Have a blessed neuronal-damaged day! ;P**

**-**

**A is for Ape.**

"For the last time Darren, there is no such thing as the abominable snowman!" Larten scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Vampire mountain is perfectly safe against all threats and wild beasts. The vampires stay in, anything else stays out. Are we clear?"

The younger vampire huffed and pouted. "But Mr. Crepsley – Harkat and I just saw a large white..._thing_ run through the forest!" he protested, before lifting his hands up and mimicking the actions of what might seem like a rabid ape. "He kept going 'RAWR, RAWR, I'm-gonna-suck-your-vampire-brains-out-through-your-ears, RAWR!!!"

Larten sighed at his assistant and turned questioningly towards the Little Person standing quietly in the corner of the cave.

"Ask Harkat!" Darren yelled, following Mr. Crepsley's gaze. "He was there – it tried to eat him!"

"There was something...big and furry outside...the mountain," Harkat agreed.

Darren shot a triumphant glance at his mentor. "Hah! You see! I told you it was the abominable snowman! And now it's gonna ea-"

"Charna's guts, Darren Shan! You were not about to be eaten by a mythical snow monster!" Larten cut the youngest Prince off, fuming. "You must have seen someone like Vanez streaking in the nude across the snow for all I know!"

"Hey!" Vanez protested from the doorway, scowling at the older vampire. "I do not streak outside the mountain!"

Gavner arched his eyebrows, amused. "And this is coming from the vampire who yelled 'I am the Lizard King of the Mountain! You shall all grovel before my uberlicious hot butt!' twelve years ago."

"He does have a point, Vanez," Kurda commented mildly, shrugging from behind the ashen faced Gamesmaster.

"Shut up, Blondie."

Gavner grinned. Kurda sighed. Vanez huffed. Harkat gibbered. Darren muttered. Larten gave up.

"Maybe to put young Master Shan's mind at ease, we should all go and investigate this abominable snowman theory. After all, I have not been out of the mountain in quite a while."

All five vampires and one Little Person turned to look at Seba like he had grown two heads. But the aged vampire just ignored them and resumed brushing invisible specks of dust off his cloak.

"Seba? Why are you here?" Larten questioned, frowning.

His mentor gave an eerie smile. "Why Larten, if I know no better it is almost as if you do_ not _ want to me to join this incredible quest."

The ginger haired vampire spluttered, his cheeks mottling red with embarrassment. "This is not a-"

"Hey, what's going on?" another voice interceded before Larten could finish. Arra Sails stepped into the crammed cave and stared blankly at all the disgruntled vampires in curious confusion.

"We're going on a quest," Gavner chirped gleefully.

"Darren thinks there's something threatening stomping around outside Vampire Mountain," Kurda answered blandly.

"There's a crazy snowman outside the mountain!" Darren blurted, flapping his arms dramatically to emphasize a point. "It's going to eat us, I tell you! EAT US!"

Arra stared at him skeptically.

"He's right..." Harkat droned, green eyes aglow with terror. "There was something...outside just now...Didn't look human."

Arra stared at the Little Person with even more skepticism.

"I finally get to inhale some fresh air," Seba threw in happily, smoothing out the lapels of his cloak.

"I think Larten's having an aneurysm," Vanez pointed out, noticing the giant purple vein throbbing under the ex-general's forehead.

Larten flushed a deeper shade of red and muttered something incorrigible under his breath. Arra pursed her lips and glanced at all the vampires in turn. Darren was rocking back and forth in the corner, chewing his fingernails; Gavner and Vanez were already making plans on what knife would be best to skillet a snowman; Seba frowned at a crease near his right sleeve; Larten turned redder with suppressed fury; Kurda was reciting a list of what things to bring to map out the new terrain, and Harkat was busy eating a rat that had just crawled out from under Darren's hammock.

"Sounds cool. Can I come?"

Larten groaned. Darren looked petrified. Gavner and Vanez slapped each other a high five and promptly missed, nearly jabbing each other in the eye. Seba grumbled about poor dry cleaning services in the mountain. Kurda just ran a hair over his head, looking peeved. Harkat was still busy polishing off his rodent.

"Fine, fine! We shall go investigate Darren's claim," Larten seethed, puffing in annoyance. "But if we discover nothing, then do not make me say I told you so!"

He stalked off, red cape billowing behind him in an imaginary breeze. Everyone stared after his abrupt departure for a moment, before shrugging it off.

"I need to get my cartography kit," Kurda mumbled, marching out. "There's a nice trail through the edge of the mountain that we could use..."

Seba followed him. "Maybe I should get another cleaner cloak from one of the stores downstairs... "

"Are you really sure a srad would be enough to take it down?" Vanez asked Gavner, punching him in the shoulder. Gavner snorted. "Of course. Provided you even know _how_ to use that thing."

Vanez tackled him and they went flying outside the room. A startled yelp followed by a curse followed shortly after. Arra just shook her head as their footsteps and bickering chatter ebbed away.

Harkat burped and rubbed his tummy. "We're going...to regret...this," he remarked seriously.

Arra just shook off his morbidity and turned to look at Darren, who was pale and shaking.

"Up for the trip to see your furry friend, Master Shan?"

Darren whimpered. Arra grinned evilly. Boy, was this going to be a fun adventure.

-

Approximately three hours later, the entire entourage comprising of six irritable vampires, one mortified half-vampire and one hungry Little Person who had so far ingested two rabbits, one vole, half a caribou, one of Kurda's maps and two plastic pinecones were taking refuge in a waystation, thanks to the rampaging ice cold blizzard outside. Their trek through the snow had lasted for a measly half an hour – with Darren squealing and throwing himself under random bushes each time he heard the sharp snap of a twig or crunch of a snowball pelting the ground – before the snowstorm hit. Needless to say, no one was entirely thrilled.

And aforementioned fun quest was becoming a horrible nightmare.

"I told you...this was a really bad idea," Harkat moaned, wrapping his blue cloak tighter around his stout body.

Vanez sighed wearily. "We get it, Mulds. This is the two hundredth and seventeenth time you've been saying that in the past hour!"

Gavner's eyes widened. "You actually counted?"

"You got anything better to do in this dank hole besides counting the pebbles on the floor?" Vanez shot back, wrinkling his nose at the rancid smell of stale blood and soil. A flurry of hail and snowflakes drummed against the walls of the cave and Darren whimpered at the noise, sucking his thumb.

"I normally count the bottles of blood on the walls, but pebbles sound good too," the heavily scarred general replied, scratching the side of his forehead.

Vanez just groaned and flopped himself on the ground dramatically.

Kurda jabbed him with his pen. "Dammit, Vanez! Get off my map! I'm trying to work here."

"Like you can even see what you're drawing in the dark," Arra muttered blandly, before pointing at Seba several feet away, who was busy occupying himself by drawing smiley faces on the hard packed earth beneath them. "At least Seba's enjoying himself."

To prove a point, the older vampire grinned and shot them all a thumbs-up before resuming his scribbles. Arra sighed. Larten growled somewhere in the left end of the cave, muttering continuously under his breath. Darren whined from next to Gavner.

"I can't feel my toes," he moaned, trying to wiggle his numb digits. "Are they still there?"

Gavner frowned as he tried look at Darren's toes. But since it was pitch black, he stared in the opposite direction.

"Nope, I think they might have all fallen off."

Darren whinged further.

"Damn, I can't see in this!" Kurda gave a frustrated cry, scowling at the piece of paper he'd been mapping not too long ago. "Does anyone have a light?"

"I told you...this was a bad...idea," Harkat said ruefully, picking at his robe.

Arra rolled her eyes. "Good job, Harkat. Try sowing as much joy and cheer as you can. It strengthens the morale."

Harkat looked up, startled. "I try my...best."

Arra frowned. "That was sarcasm, Mulds."

"Oh."

After ten minutes of more disappointed sighs and irritated grumbles, Vanez finally had enough.

"This is ridiculous!" he groused. "Anyone knows how to build a fire?"

"But we don't have any wood!" Darren pointed out, before sighing. "We're all going to die here!"

He wailed dramatically and everyone fell silent, save Larten, who was still mumbling under his breath. Unlike the other members of their group that had all chosen to huddle next to each to conserve warmth, the supremely annoyed red haired vampire had opted to sit on the opposite side of the cave, as far away from anyone as possible.

A flash of lightning temporarily lit up the room, and nine pairs of eyes glimmered for a moment.

"Larten?" Vanez called out warily. "You know how to make a fire?"

A despondent curse that sounded like, "Damn you fudgeballs and that adamant snivelling assistant of mine to the deepest pits of Osca's entrails!" answered Vanez's tentative question and the Gamesmaster grimaced. Clearly he wasn't going to be of any help.

"Best to get this over and done with then," Kurda sighed and packed his maps up, accidently elbowing Gavner in the process.

"Dammit, Kurda! That hurt!"

The burly general shoved him back and he knocked into Arra, who more than readily socked him in the jaw.

"Oh, it's so on, Blondie!"

"Arra, wait-!"

But since she couldn't see well, she misjudged her blow and knocked Seba in the shin instead. The older vampire yelped and stumbled into Vanez, who'd shuffled out of the way and nearly squished Harkat.

"Can't breathe! Little...Person suffocating! HELP!"

Harkat stubbed his toe against one of Darren's knees and they tumbled over each other in a haphazard heap with Vanez landing over them, Arra mistakenly strangling Seba, Kurda trying to stop Arra from accidently killing an innocent bystander and Gavner charging into a nearby boulder.

"SILENCE!" Larten bellowed, flicking open a lighter and striking up a match. Everyone froze in mid-motion, their eyes wide and glazed over.

"You had a match all along?" Vanez asked stupidly.

Larten glared at him and he shut up immediately.

"I have absolutely had it with all of you," the irritated vampire ground out, lifting up the match higher. The back portion of the cavern lighted up and all the vampires gasped in unison as something large loomed right behind him, glowing red eyes boring holes into his unsuspecting back.

"This is a complete and utter waste of time! There is no such thing as an abominable snowman!" All the vampires gasped again and Darren lifted a single shaking finger past Mr. Crepsley.

"B-But, Mr. Crepsley! T-"

"NO!" Larten thundered, growling. "I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS RIDICULOUS QUEST ANY LONGER! ALL IT TOOK WAS ONE STUPID SUGGESTION THAT WE ALL GO SKIPPY-DEE-DOO OUT OF THE MOUNTAIN TO FIND A WHITE FURRY MONKEY-"

Darren shook and went whiter. "B-but-!"

"NO BUTS! IT WAS NOT MY IDEA THAT WE SHOULD ALL PARADE AROUND THE MOUNTAIN LIKE A BUNCH OF TROGLODYTES-"

"I didn't know he knew such big words, did you?" Gavner stage-whispered to Vanez, who nodded back dumbly in a mixture of horror and awe.

"-AND BY ALL MEANS, LET US ALL GO ON A WILD MAN-HUNT FOR A NON-EXISTENT MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE WHO MOST LIKELY SMELLS LIKE A DISEASED SKUNK HAD HE EXIST-"

"But Mr. Crepsley, behind you!"

Larten paused and glowered at his trembling assistant. And all the trembling vampires on the opposite side of the room who were making the death touch sign.

"What are you talking about?" he demanded grimly, scowling.

Vanez inhaled deeply and blurted in the fastest voice he could ever muster, "I-think-the-abominable-snowman-is-standing-right-behind-you-and-he-looks-like-he-is-gonna-eat-you-because-you-just-said-he-does-not-exist-and-smells-like-a-rotten-skunk."

Larten snorted. "Vanez Blane, you're an idiot."

A loud roar resounded from behind the scoffing vampire and Larten went stiff, dropping the match. With an almost mechanical stillness, he turned around slowly and stared at two glowing red orbs that gleamed with hunger. A fork of lightning lit the sky outside, temporarily illuminating the dingy cave, the stricken vampires whimpering in the corner, a frozen Larten, and an extremely tall, hairy ape-like creature with serrated teeth.

The abominable snowman licked his lips and raised a taunting eyebrow at Larten. "Boo."

Larten's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he promptly fainted. All the vampires and Harkat screamed.

Within seconds everyone was scrambling to untangle themselves and run outside – "Yeah, like it's a hell lot safer out there with hail the size of meteor rocks showering down on you!" Kurda yelled, scooping up his maps and to which Gavner retorted with a, "Just shut up and run, Kurda!" – to evade the stomping man-beast when Arra reminded them that Larten was still lying unconscious on the cave floor and about to be eaten – "You go get him then! There's no way in hell am I going back!" Vanez shrieked and ran, hefting a petrified Harkat in his arms, bridal style – so she flitted back, hauled Larten on her back and zipped out before the abominable snowman realized his vampire buffet was missing.

Twenty three minutes and forty nine seconds later, the entire entourage was tired, drenched, bruised and battered. Convinced that the abominable snowman was no longer shadowing them, they finally flopped down on the snow, panting heavily.

"That...was...a...close...one," Gavner wheezed between his teeth. Kurda clutched a stitch at his side and nodded, red-faced. Vanez groaned and massaged his aching feet. Harkat didn't look too thrilled about being dumped headfirst into a thorny bush by Vanez. Seba chortled at their luck and began making snow angels. Darren was busy standing guard on top of a large rock, ready to signal the group should the snowman somehow find them. Arra ran her fingers along Larten's paper white face, roughly shaking him awake.

"Larten, wake up!" she hissed, slapping him senseless.

Larten groaned as he came to. "W-What happened?"

"You were nearly...eaten by the abominable...snowman," Harkat replied slowly, frowning as he tried to tug his robe free from the bush.

Larten moaned and massaged his throbbing forehead. Vanez echoed his frustrated sound and spat on the snow. Seba snarled at him and told him to stop spitting on his 'comfy white angel blanket'. Gavner just stared at them blankly and Kurda lamented the loss of two of his good maps. Harkat toppled over as his robe finally ripped free.

And Darren Shan, the only exhilarated vampire in the group, couldn't resist but punch a single triumphant fist in the air, much to the annoyance of everyone else.

"Hah! You see! I told you there's an abominable vampire-eating snowman outside the mountain!"

And he was promptly smacked in the face by a wayward snowball.

Well, he _did_ try to warn them.

-

**A/N : Okay, I admit I hate the ending, but this chapter simply stretched too far. The next one wasn't even reaching the 1000 word limit. –SIGH- Anyways, hope it wasn't a waste of space, too much typo-filled and made someone out there happy for once. Oh yeah, and don't forget to drop a review! :D**


	2. B is for Bee

**Summary : ****A 26 part mini drabble series featuring various words representing each alphabet, starring different people of the DS crew. WARNING! Further scrutiny is strongly inadvisable. The content is random, chaotic and logic does NOT apply here. Might pose hazardous to brain chemistry, should you reread it more than five times. Turn back if the following symptoms are felt : Dizziness, nausea, brain haemorrhage, goose bumps, random bouts of insanity, craving for sharp pointy objects, glaring at random pieces of cheese, toxic bowel syndrome, diarrhoea, stealing funky straws from Starbucks, acid reflux and sinus infections. You have been warned!**

**-If the following symptoms are not present, please proceed at your own risk. Have a blessed neuronal-damaged day! ;P**

**Disclaimer :-** I do not own them, although I'd loved to.

-

**B is for Bee.**

Kurda Smahlt was always the voice of reason, the infallible strategist and the downright staunch pacifist that would fight for a good cause. But if there was one thing the blonde general extremely disliked – it was sheer and blatant idiocy. Namely in the form of a certain one-eyed Gamesmaster who was currently fumbling twenty feet up in the air on a wiry maple tree branch, poking a beehive with a ginormous stick.

"Vanez Blane! Get down here right this instant!" Kurda shouted, shaking his head. "Have you completely lost your mind?"

"Chill out, Kurdi-wurdi," Vanez retorted, grinning like a lunatic from his perch. "I'm just having a bit of fun!"

Kurda huffed and glared at the irate general. "Fine, but it's your damned funeral if you fall off that tree with a hive on your head!"

"Relax, Kurda," Gavner commented unabashedly, loping a thick arm around the leaner man's shoulder. "After all, what's life as a vampire without living on the rough edge of the sword, eh?"

"This is madness," Kurda muttered, shaking Gavner's hand off. "Complete and utter foolishness." He glanced up at Vanez, who was now dangling upside down from the thin branch and jabbing the hive more persistently. "Fine, Vanez! Go and have your fun! But don't you ever dare come knocking on my door for some salve if you have bees down your pants!" Kurda yelled one last time, before storming towards the mountain.

Vanez just shot a thumbs-up at the blonde's retreating back and grinned at Gavner. "Want some honey, Gavvy?"

Gavner shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. "You know he's right, Vanez. I don't think it's a good idea to taunt those stingers too much, aye? Don't want to bite off more than you can chew."

The annoyed one-eyed vampire shot Gavner an incredulous look. "Aw, come on, Gavner. It's not every day you get to mess around with these nifty little buggers! Where's your sense of adventure?"

"It died when I was nearly eaten by a furry monkey man two days ago," Gavner muttered under his breath. He shook his head one last time at Vanez's insane antics and turned away, intending to march after Kurda. But just as he walked three steps away from under the tree, the inevitable happened.

CRACK!

"Oh, _shit_."

He whirled around just in time to see Vanez Blane pelting towards the snowy ground below, broken tree limb in tow.

"Ow!" the one-eyed vampire moaned, lying supine on the cold white ground. And within seconds, his prized stick knocked him on the forehead with a dull 'clunk!', adding more insult to injury.

Gavner couldn't help but laugh at the groaning vampire. Vanez's face deflected utter misery and guilt – something that would have provoked a look of blissful satisfaction from Kurda, had he still lingered around.

"Come on, Vanez," Gavner chirped, offering his hand to lift the bedraggled Gamesmaster up. "Up and easy." Vanez scowled and accepted the invitation, but then groaned again.

"Damn, I think I popped out a disc or something."

Gavner raised an eyebrow as he watched Vanez mumble under his breath and massage his throbbing coccyx. But then he recalled something important – something that should _not_ have escaped their notice too soon...

"Hang on," Gavner said suddenly, frowning. "Where's the hive?"

And as karma would have it, there was a loud 'Plop!' on the ground not too far away from where Vanez was standing, followed by a thunderous buzzing noise.

Vanez's lone eye grew wide with alarm. "Oh, shit! RUN!"

And both of them ran – Gavner yelping and slamming into a tree by accident as a bee made its way up his left nostril and Vanez hobbling along right behind, only to shriek and tumble down in an ungracious heap when several bees flitted up the sleeves of his pants in furious persistence.

Five hours later, both vampires moaned helplessly as every inch of their visible skin were puckered with angry dime sized pustules (save Vanez who had bigger problems in more sensitive areas. Heh), wincing each time one of the medics in the mountain applied some salve to their stings.

"Damn blondie was right," Vanez groaned, raising a swollen arm towards an irritable Gavner cringing on a cot few feet away. "I feel sore all over."

"And whose fault is that?" Gavner hissed, barely recognizable under his swollen eyelids and bloated face that made him look like the Elephant Man.

"Well, I _did_ warn you that you'd end up with bees down your pants," Kurda replied, leaning against the frame of the medical hall and staring at both vampires with a gleam of satisfaction. "Next time, maybe you should _listen_."

Vanez cocked open a single swollen eye and glared at the smug vampire.

"Shut up, Kurda. Just shut up."

-

**A/N : Sorry if this piece doesn't have as much comedic value as the last one. I was extremely sick yesterday and I just threw up some blood and phlegm today, and I'm having a miserable high fever coupled with chills. My brain's all fugly and scrambled, so I'll be out of commission for a while. Next chapter might come a week late – please bear with me. I already have an idea of what it's going to be about, hopefully the randomness won't be completely detracted from the next chapter. :( **

**P.S. Thanks for all the lovely reviews! Really made my day. ;P**


	3. C is for Coffee

**Summary : ****A 26 part mini drabble series featuring various words representing each alphabet, starring different people of the DS crew. WARNING! Further scrutiny is strongly inadvisable. The content is random, chaotic and logic does NOT apply here. Might pose hazardous to brain chemistry, should you reread it more than five times. Turn back if the following symptoms are felt : Dizziness, nausea, brain haemorrhage, goose bumps, random bouts of insanity, craving for sharp pointy objects, glaring at random pieces of cheese, toxic bowel syndrome, diarrhoea, stealing funky straws from Starbucks, acid reflux and sinus infections. You have been warned!**

**-If the following symptoms are not present, please proceed at your own risk. Have a blessed neuronal-damaged day! ;P**

**Disclaimer :-** Nope, I don't own the cool dudes and dudettes. Darren Shan beat me to it. Damn!

**A/N:** Extra long chapter to compensate for my four week absence. My apologies for not updating sooner, but I had some massive health problems, ex-boyfriend issues, accommodation dilemmas and academic stress all rolled in one big sushi of Apocalyptic Doom. I survived. So I'm back for the moment. :p

-

**C is for Coffee.**

'Twas twelve in the afternoon. All was silent, all was well, all was calm, all was swell. In the heart of Vampire Mountain not a single vampire stirred awake from their deepest slumber, all but save one. Darren Shan, youngest Prince and currently under the influence of having watched seven James Bond and all three Mission Impossible flicks in a row, was busy tiptoeing past rooms stealthily, doing expertly timed belly rolls and flops each time he felt like he was being followed.

After half an hour of skulking around and sneakily doing cartwheels, pirouettes and svelte hip hop moves that would make Usher proud, he'd finally reached his prized destination. Placing a hand on the doorknob leading into the most sacred storeroom in the mountain, he looked to his left, then right, then left, then at a random spider crawling up the wall, then right, then down at a clump of weeds, then at a pair of ragged underwear hanging on a doornail three feet away, then left and then right again. Satisfied that he wasn't being shadowed, he let out an evil chuckle and stepped inside.

"Ooh, yessssssssss," he cooed, inhaling the sweet sickening aroma of the one thing he'd truly missed from the human world – the one thing a decrepit old codger of a vampire had kept stashed down here in secret, thinking no one would know.

But noooooooo...Darren could smell it – he could hear it's siren wail from his cozy hammock, screaming, 'Make me! Drink me! WORSHIP ME!' second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after ye- well, anyway you get the point. The truth was, the Goddess Caffeina would not be denied, and it was Darren's ultimate mission to make sure every single vampire in this rock gave her all the glory she deserves.

And within seconds, he'd pounced on one of the barrels in the corner and ripped off the lid, basking in the heavenly sight of brown grainy beans resting temptingly within. He immediately grabbed a small plastic shovel and container from his super-spy kit (only $ 9.99 on e-Bay) that complimented his stretchy black ninja suit ($ 5.56) and immediately shovelled in as much beans as he could. After his mission was accomplished, he held the Tupperware up and allowed himself one final victorious chuckle.

"Mwahahahahaha!"

He had devised a plan so infallibly cunning, so deviously intelligent that he will never get caught, so evilly daring that no man, abominable snowman, Wookie, vampire or goat would simply _not_ be unable kiss the ground he thread upon for his sheer geniusness-

"Darren Shan, put that down, right this instant!"

-and he was totally busted.

Darren gave a startled yelp and dropped his container, which regurgitated his precious beans all over the sooty floor.

_No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_ His mind gave a dramatic wail, barely registering Seba's enraged white features framed in the doorway. _It's mine, mine, MINE!!!_ His brain preened insanely, before shooting its venom at the unsuspecting vampire. _It's your fault that the coffee is gone! Your fault that the Great Goddess screams in pain for being undone! Your fault-_

"Shut up and stop mentally berating me, Master Shan," Seba growled eerily, narrowing his eyes. Darren's mental yells immediately skidded to a stop and the half-vampire's eyes widened in shock.

_Did he just-?_

"Yes, I did," Seba replied, before massaging his forehead. "And before you ask, I do not read minds unlike a certain fictional _vampire _who happens to glitter like a three year old's kindergarten art piece under the sun. I happen to be incredibly astute to the inner ramblings of pubescent half-vampires. Now get out."

Darren crossed his arms and shook his head adamantly. "No way. You'll never take me alive. Never, never, NEVER!!!"

He let out a delirious laugh and Seba scowled. "Have you been smoking Vanez's Hashish, Master Shan?"

Darren sobered up immediately and his eyes went as round as saucers. "Vanez has crack here? Where? Where?! Tell me where or I'll set the purple mutant fangalicious bunnies on you!"

But before the aged vampire could answer, Harkat bristled past him and stepped into the room, looking around blearily.

"What is going...on, Darren?" he murmured sleepily, rubbing the sleeve of his robe over his eye.

"Seba doesn't want to share his coffee," Darren mooched, looking glum.

Harkat's orbs went large with shock, even though a Little Person's eyes were a standard 3 inches in diameter. And he turned to glance at Seba – who was now fuming – with a certain awe.

"You have _coffee_...in Vampire Mountain?"

Seba gritted his teeth. But before he could respond, two more people squeezed into the storeroom and looked around wildly.

"COFFEE!" Vanez screeched, eyes bugging out of his sockets. Gavner zipped over to the nearest barrel but Vanez roughly shoved him aside, and before long both vampires were screaming and clawing at each other.

Seba groaned and slapped his forehead. Harkat rocked back and forth on his heels, muttering the coffee mantra under his breath. Darren yelled at Gavner as he slammed into a barrel and sent some of the beans flying. Vanez tried to eat the projectile beans off mid-air, only to choke and gurgle when Gavner strangled him.

And as any raging pandemonium wouldn't go sorely unnoticed in the mountain, it wasn't long before a grumpy Larten, moody Mika, pissed off Arrow, confused Kurda, bleary Paris and thrilled Arra joined in.

"How long have they been at it?" Arra asked, watching Vanez hold Gavner's pinky in a death grip. The latter screamed and retaliated by biting Vanez's toe.

"Aw, who cares! I just want my coffee beans back!" Darren moaned, flopping dramatically onto the floor.

"They're not yours!" Seba growled at him, scowling at all the vampires in turn. "Now for Osca's sake, go to your coffins and let me clean up this mess."

"NO!" Vanez and Gavner cried in unison, freezing in horror. "We want coffee!"

"What on earth is this _coffee_?" Larten asked, frowning.

"Whatever it is, it is most probably an atrocious concoction that is enough to make even the greatest of warriors act like complete imbeciles," Mika replied, snorting.

Gavner paused in the middle of strangling Vanez, his jaw slack. "Oi! Coffee is the greatest invention ever made in the history of bipeds, besides wooden wheels, lava lamps and eBay!"

"More like it's the greatest poison on earth," Kurda muttered, shaking his head. "It takes easily a century to detoxify your system from those goddamn beans."

Darren gasped and clutched his heart. Harkat muttered, "Blasphemy!" under his breath and proceeded to ward off Kurda with a crucifix he made by crossing two of his stubby fingers. Seba moaned and slumped in the corner of the room. Gavner and Vanez continued to rough it out, all though Gavner cheated by poking the Gamesmaster in his good eye. Larten gave an irritated sigh. Arra was busy inspecting one of the open barrels. Arrow was next to her and shoving a few beans down his pants, looking suspiciously back and forth if anyone else noticed. Mika was growling and rubbing his eyes sleepily. Paris had somehow dozed off throughout the whole incident, snoring softly against the doorframe.

"Fine, fine!" Kurda held his hands up in surrender, wrinkling his nose. "Either way, have your hyper pity party and keep it down. I'm retiring for the night before I lose whatever little sanity I have left."

He marched right out and Arrow grinned cheekily, following the general's lead in a stilted swagger as the beans rubbed against the more sensitive parts of his lower anatomy.

"Noooooooooo..." Seba moaned, hunched in the corner. "This simply cannot be _happening_..."

Arra just raised an eyebrow at his theatrics and shrugged. Larten however, was too busy scowling at his deluded assistant to pay attention to his currently sobbing mentor.

"Darren, what in Charna's guts are you wearing?" he asked, frowning heavily.

"I believe it is...a catsuit of some sort," Harkat murmured thoughtfully. Darren just ignored them and continued to wail about his loss.

Larten gave a frustrated sigh and ran a single hair through his head, shooting a pointed glare at the two wrestling vampires in the corner.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! Not that, anything but that!" Gavner blabbed in horror as Vanez held his index finger in a firm grip. An evil smile lit up the Gamesmaster's face.

"Aha! Then I believe you're extremely familiar with this hold – developed by Master Wushi in the late fifteenth century – you can only imagine what will happen if I flex my pinky."

Mika rolled his eyes at the pair. "Stop ripping off lines from Kung Fu Panda, Vanez. It's highly inappropriate." He shot Gavner a gimlet glare. "And there is absolutely no such infernal thing as a Wushi Finger Hold. By the very most, you'll just end up with a snapped phalange."

All eyes landed on Mika and the dark Prince fidgeted uncomfortably under their gaze.

"I don't know what's scarier – the fact that Mika knew about a 3-D animation cartoon quote for five year olds, or the fact that he knew what that damned bone in a pinky is called," Arra stage-whispered to the Little Person next to her. Harkat nodded in agreement.

Mika just gave an irritated hiss and snorted. "Fine. As much as I hate to admit it, the blonde pacifist was right – you lot can continue basking in this ridiculous delusion of brewing an idiotic cup of _coffee_-" he spat the word out with much distaste and Darren gasped, clutching his heart before promptly convulsing on the ground "-while I would love nothing more than to return to my sleep. _Good night_."

With a quick turn of a heel, he marched out of the room, past a dozey Paris who immediately jerked awake and looked around, and past a mumbling Seba that hugged himself. Vanez and Gavner shrugged at the moody Prince's abrupt departure, before having another go at each other. Larten – the only seemingly sane vampire of the group – just shook his head.

"I could not agree more. This is beyond absurd-"

"Um, Larten?" Arra interrupted. "I think we might have a problem."

Larten just stared at her, irritated. "What?"

"I think Darren is spasming." Just to prove her point, she poked the writhing boy on the ground with her toe, to which he responded with a ghastly moan.

"I don't know...He looks like he is trying to imitate...Flipper out of water to me," Harkat said quietly, staring at his best friend.

Larten scoffed. "Absurd!" He glared down at his assistant. "Darren Shan – stop this ludicrous behaviour and get back to your hammock immediately. There is enough lunacy in this infernal storage to last several life times. Now get _up_."

Darren's eyes rolled into the back of his skull and a trail of spittle dribbled past his lips.

"Maybe this will help," Harkat suggested, grabbing a few beans and waving it temptingly under the younger half-vampire's nose.

Within seconds, Darren was back up on two feet, nostrils flaring and eyes bright. "Where is it? I can smell it! WHERE IS IT?!" he demanded, shaking Harkat by the scruff of his robes.

The Little Person's head wobbled back and forth under the gesture. Arra's eyebrows flew up. Larten just growled. Seba whimpered. Gavner yelled painfully. Vanez gibbered gleefully.

"Alright, alright! Let us just stop this madness once and for all!" Larten yelled, fuming. "Will you all stop behaving like imbeciles if we brew some of those damned kidney shaped pests?"

"BLASPHEMY!" Gavner yelled, eyes popping. Arra rolled her eyes and seized a handful of coffee beans from the barrel.

"Whoever wants it, come and get it," she threw over her shoulder as she walked out of the room and headed towards the kitchen.

For a long second, no one flinched. Then everyone scrambled to get to their feet and hurry after the sashaying vampiress, save Larten who walked at a languid pace and muttered under his breath, Seba who just whimpered in defeat and Paris, who'd somehow ended up dozing face-first into one of the open barrels with his legs dangling out at the top.

Ten minutes later and Larten Crepsley still mentally berated himself. Arra had somehow managed to brew asaid abomination into seven steaming mugs, much to his disgust and the ecstasy of three full-grown vampires, one idiotic half-vampire and one swaying Little Person. He didn't know what creeped him out more, the fact that his respectable mentor was currently drooling into his cup of coffee and going, 'My preciouuuuuussss...' or Vanez was throwing in something that looked suspiciously like nail clippings into his own mug, claiming that he liked his brew crunchy.

"There you go," Arra said proudly, smirking. "Drink up and knock yourselves stupid."

And in one unified gulp, all of them slurped the heavenly liquid. All except Larten, who was scowling at his coffee, Darren, his coffee, Arra's currently evil smile, Darren, his coffee, Vanez and his damned coffee.

"Excellent," Darren murmured blissfully.

"Glorious," Seba agreed next to him.

"Not bad," Arra said quietly, slurping from her own mug.

"Fantastic!" Vanez chirped, slapping Gavner a high-five.

All of them looked at Harkat expectantly and the Little Person froze, coffee mug wedged between stubby fingers.

"Um...nyummy?"

They roared and clapped him on the back. Then in one single scary coffee-brainwashed unit, turned to Larten with glassy eyes.

"I refuse to drink this retarded sewage colored abominative vomit flavoured solution," Larten growled rebelliously, puffing out his chest.

All of them gasped and Harkat slid off his chair in a horrified stupor.

"He did not!" Darren moaned, clutching his heart.

"Um...I think he did," Arra remarked, before hiccoughing. She giggled and Larten stared at her with growing horror.

Was it just him or did everyone hit the damn fence when he wasn't looking?

He shook his head and insisted adamantly, "No. I refuse."

"Oooh, come onnnnn Lartennnn...You gotta try someeeee," Gavner suddenly slurred, poking the older vampire in the ribs. Larten growled at him and slapped his hand away.

"What in Osca Velm has addled your brains all of a sudden?" he demanded, numbed by the sudden insanity. One moment they were all chugging down the abomination happily and the next they were behaving like complete social retards. He didn't know who was more appalled, himself or his mentor.

But as he turned to glance at Seba –whom he knew just had to be shooting disapproving glares at everyone- he was floored when he spotted the older vampire snorting into his brew like a drugged horse, saying, "Abracadabra!" under his breath.

Reality hit. Larten finally realized he was all alone on this one.

_Dammit._

"Hey, does decaf have extra coffee...in it? Because I think I'm getting a....rush, and boy does it feel goooooooooood...." Harkat snickered, giving a creepy robotic laugh.

Larten rose from his chair and pushed his innocent cup of grimy liquid away, glaring at all of them.

"That is it," he remarked pompously, clearing his throat. "I think we should all stop this madness and return to our coffins for the night. Everyone in favour say aye?"

"Aye aye, Captain!" Darren cheered, before making choo-choo noises. The ex-general groaned and slapped his forehead.

This was it. He was done for. All the hardwork he put in into nurturing the little prat had backfired, and the youngest Prince in the history of vampire civilization had ruined them with a bunch of brain cell-annihilating beans.

And just when Larten thought he could do some damage control – Arra was now flashing her undies to a mortified Harkat who stared at her pink lacy coverlets in awe – he gave up promptly, flushing a furious shade of red.

"Hey, Vannnyyy," Gavner drawled huskily, draping an arm across the Gamesmaster's shoulder. "Didja know thattt yooouuu could seeee the futureeeeee in yourrrr coffeeeee?"

Vanez's lone eye widened. Larten resisted the urge to shove a nearby fork in his.

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

Harkat began to do a jazz number in the corner. Darren chortled at his antics, before tsking at Arra who'd now resorted to play hopscotch on an imaginary track.

"Seba!" Larten yelled, spinning around for some help. "I need-"

His face drained of all color as the Quartermaster now began to rub his finger against the rim of his cup, humming along with the tune it belted out. It took all of Larten's careful years of groomed self-control not to scream.

"Ah, crap. My dregs look like a constipated monkey laying an egg the size of Mount Fiji," Vanez blurted in disgust, scowling at his cup. "What the hell does that mean?!"

Gavner clapped the older vampire gently on the back. "Vanez my dddddear, it meansssss you're going to contractttt Herpeeees and die iiiiin approximately twelve nanosecondsssss."

"Oh."

The Gamesmaster resumed staring at his dregs. Darren had somehow procured a quill and inkbottle, and proceeded to mar the top of the kitchen table with scribbles.

"Okay peeps. I propose our next course of action is to create the world's biggest Bloofee!!!" he announced happily, pupils dilated.

If it wasn't for the fact that Larten knew the boy was never quite right in the head when Arra kicked him off the bars head-first five stories down last week, the orange haired vampire would be supremely terrified. But as it is, he couldn't resist but ask his babbling assistant, "A blooffee? What in Charna's guts is that?"

"It's Blood with Coffee silly!!!" Arra laughed, before twirling.

Darren just laughed at her and spinned in circles on his chair, singing, "You spin my head right round, right round!"

Larten moaned at them and thumped his forehead against the countertop, curiosity and possible redemption forgotten.

"I need a bloody Mika mocha. Someone go fetch me some ketchup!" Harkat demanded suddenly, pounding the table.

"Hey! Your stutter is gone!" Arra tittered, before giggling foolishly again. They both slapped each other a High-Five and nearly missed, slamming face-first on the floor.

Larten lifted his head and stared back and forth at the raging chaos – or rather pure uncouth behaviour of his comrades, completely appalled out of his skin. Never in all his prestigious, regal, cultured life-

"The Goddess Caffeina shalt not be denied any longer! From this day forth, I proclaim we all pay penance to the smooth frothy brown drink of the Gods!" Darren proclaimed dramatically, somehow managing to stand on the table with his coffee mug raised in the air. And within seconds he toppled off, yelping gleefully.

"It is official. You have either turned your assistant into a coffee-drinking airhead politician, or young Master Shan's completely lost it. I truly pity you, Larten, my lad," Seba remarked casually.

Larten's eyes popped. "Seba...? You are _normal_?"

The older vampire snorted. "Of course, you truly did not think I am so quickly overridden with the side effects of a bunch of Mohican red beans, do you?"

"Yes but-" Larten paused as Seba's words hit home. "Wait. Mohican RED BEANS? You meant that is not- It is not-"

The older vampire grinned mischievously and gestured towards the somewhat hyper vampires, who'd now decided to play Sardines under the kitchen table. "It is not. I knew this day would come, so I hid my precious stash somewhere else and replaced them with a batch of beans I intended to make soup with during Kurda's investiture next month." His grin intensified. "It was only the luck of the Vampire Gods that I managed to find some brown ink and have a little fun it."

Larten's jaw dropped and he gesticulated helplessly towards the squealing vampires and incredibly happy little Person who'd now taken to doing back flips from one of the vegetable carts in the corner.

"But how-? What-? It just-?" Larten blabbed, before throwing his hands up in exasperation. "GAH!"

"It is all in their heads," Seba said mysteriously, before giving his former assistant a chilling smile and heading out of the kitchen, 'coffee' in tow. And just when the poor orange-haired vampire was at total loss of what to do, Seba called out unhelpfully over his shoulder, "They are your responsibility now, Larten. Have a good night."

Larten groaned miserably and watched his mentor leave. He was screwed.

"SARDINES!!!" a happy shout rent the air, followed by a giggle.

Scratch that. He was _totally _screwed.

-

**A/N : Lame ending and too much randomness, but meh...This ficlet was never intended for sane people anyways. Hope you guys enjoyed it! ;) **


	4. D is for Death

**A/N:** Hey guys, I know I've been absent for a very long time. I have finally graduated and am currently looking for a job, but that isn't the point. The point is, I had a good story in store for letter D, and had already worked on parts of it, but two days ago, my most beloved Winter Pearl Djungarian hamster – Tequila – died quite suddenly and I was left as a complete emotional train wreck. I'm still in shock and quite devastated at the moment, so you have to forgive me if I'm not skipping about in glee or any other crap. I've decided to write a short morose chapter in memory of the most feistiest and best companion I've ever had, and here it is. **PLEASE SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF YOU ONLY WANT THE FUNNY BITS.** Anyways, part of the vampire dramamama involves a touch of sadness and romance besides just plain ol' humor, so it's worth to have this, I think. So I give you Arrow's side of the story.

**Summary : ****A 26 part mini drabble series featuring various words representing each alphabet, starring different people of the DS crew. WARNING! Further scrutiny is strongly inadvisable. The content is random, chaotic and logic does NOT apply here. Might pose hazardous to brain chemistry, should you reread it more than five times. Turn back if the following symptoms are felt : Dizziness, nausea, brain haemorrhage, goose bumps, random bouts of insanity, craving for sharp pointy objects, glaring at random pieces of cheese, toxic bowel syndrome, diarrhoea, stealing funky straws from Starbucks, acid reflux and sinus infections. You have been warned!**

**-If the following symptoms are not present, please proceed at your own risk. Have a blessed neuronal-damaged day! ;P**

**Disclaimer :-** If you still think I own them, you need a brain transplant. Seriously.

**D is for Death.**

Arrow gazed upon the tiny portrait cradled between his callused fingers. Unshed tears shimmered in his dark eyes, but he ignored them for once – willing the salty beads to trail down his weathered cheeks and splatter against the musty floor of his cell. It didn't matter to him if any of the blood-drinking denizens of the mountain caught him in such a pathetic state – he might be a Vampire Prince, but he was far from being infallible.

Stone cold and rock hard was the title he bore with pride each time he stepped into the Hall of Princes. Unfettered and wild, he was death to all creatures purple of skin and their allying kin. Feared and respected, he was a brutal commander that governed the dregs of their clan – absolute and unmoving.

But not tonight.

Tonight he was just plain Arrow – a torn man with a fractured heart and splintered memories of the one thing he had truly loved and lost.

He swiped a single digit across the crinkled contours of the portrait, leaving a small dust-free trail behind.

Soft almond-shaped eyes looked up at him kindly, set in a small heart-shaped face with delicate dark curls.

_Ah, Elizabeth_, he wondered miserably, stroking the inked contour of her cheek over and over. _You were ever so beautiful. _

And she was. Dressed in a form fitting gown of the Victorian era, his darling Elizabeth's eyes had always been laughing – always teasing – always questioning. The portrait didn't do her justice. Just a mere black and white splotch dabbed on a moldy canvas, it concealed the rosy glow of her cheeks, the sweet pink of her pouty lips, the mahogany shine of her usually jet black tresses and the most outstanding feature of all – her vibrant green eyes that glittered like hidden emeralds under the moonlight's ethereal caress.

She was truly a gem – a rare beauty in this twisted, dark world full of rogues and miscreants. She was fragile and untarnished, hopeful and yearning.

Innocent but brave, she had never flinched when she learnt what he was – and had welcomed him in open arms without a single venomous thought.

"_So my handsome Prince…" she had chirped softly one night, skimming her toes over the glassy surface of a small pond in the back of her father's estate. "Are you finally going to muster the courage to kiss me goodnight like a real gentleman, or are you going to flee into the dark once again?"_

_Arrow smiled at her teasing tone and sat down next to her, dipping his toes into the cold water._

"_Would you really want a taste of a vampire's kiss on your lips, m'lady?" he had enquired politely, hands clasped sneakily behind his back. _

_She had grinned and laughed, her voice tinkling like silverbells in his ears. "Why my darling, you say that like it's a bad thing!"_

_Arrow's beam widened. "Perhaps not." A mischevious glint entered his eyes. "Or perhaps you would like a little swim first?"_

_He quickly swept her into his strong arms and jumped into the knee-deep pond, relishing in the loud squeals that exploded from his beauty's throat. She had laughed hysterically when he stumbled and fell face first into the water, spitting out a weed that had snagged onto his teeth._

"_You really are graceful for a vampire!" she'd tittered, giggling as he shot a grouchy look at her._

_But he could never be mad at his darling Elizabeth. Before she knew what he was doing, he'd yanked her down fully as well, his fingers clasping her wet breasts that jutted out under the soaked fabric of her powder blue gown._

"_Oh!" she exclaimed with a little moan. "Arrow – I don't think-"_

_He kneaded her pink globes gently and leant over to brush the rough whiskers lining his jaw against her soft cheekbone. She stilled under his grasp, her eyes wide and full of love. _

"_I love you, my little angel," he whispered huskily into her ear._

"_And I you," she affirmed quietly, claiming his rough lips._

They had made love in the dank, musty water that night – uncaring and oblivious to the world and its indiscretions.

And that had been their very last night together.

The next morning she was found brutally slaughtered and gutted like an animal, her petite frame broken and lifeless.

No more laughter. No more smiles.

She was gone – her quaint existence a small snuff of a candle being blown out by the wind of life.

She had been nothing more than a victim of a crazed vampaneze – a vicious killer that had been spying on them and their private lovemaking sessions every week up till that ill-fated day.

He had tracked down and killed the vile creature, in the very manner his Elizabeth was found maimed and tortured.

No mercy. No regrets. No second thoughts.

"Arrow, are you in here?"

The sharp tone sliced through the older prince's musings. Arrow grunted and shook his head, his mind still reeling from the vivid recollections of that beautiful yet haunting night. He had barely managed to shove the tiny picture into his coffin and slam the lid shut just as Mika Ver Leth poked his head through his cell door.

"There you are," Mika exclaimed, looking relieved. "Paris was requesting your assistance. Apparently Darren has resorted to campaigning for spider rights in the mountain, and he's rallied some cranially-damaged followers to his infinitesimal cause." The younger Prince paused to roll his eyes. "I swear there are some days I wished Larten hadn't blooded that kid. Whatever came over that stuffy old bat to do such a thing anyways?"

Arrow nodded quietly in acknowledgment. Mika, undeterred and ever-observant, threw a concerned glance at his comrade in arms.

"Are you alright?" he asked. "You look…weary."

"I'm fine, Mika," Arrow replied brusquely, brushing aside the last vestiges of his sorrow. "Let's go and find out if we can knock some sense into the Cub Prince."

Mika caught his arm just as Arrow began to slouch past him and out of the cell. A small exchange of unspoken words flitted between the two men, and without another word Mika understood and relinquished his grip.

"Thank you," Arrow said quietly, before disappearing into the adjoining corridor outside.

The dark Prince sighed and raked a pale hand through the black tendrils on his forehead, freezing as his sharp eyes landed on the still partially opened coffin door. Arrow must have slammed it too hard and fast, and the lid had undoubtedly rebounded from the blow.

Feeling slightly curious, Mika walked over to the coffin and spied the very top of two eyes glancing up at him inquisitively. He inhaled deeply and eased the wooden cover shut before turning away and striding out of the cell without a backwards glance.

Sometimes, even a vampire needed to be human for once.

**In Loving Memory of Tequila, the most amazing hamster that ever lived. You'll always be in my heart and mind – cherished forever, eternally loved. Thank you for keeping me company when all my friends walked out on me when I needed them the most, and being my personal pillar of strength and physical support here on earth. You have no idea how many times I stopped myself from falling off that ledge because of you, my feisty furry friend. I miss you, Teqi, and I still think about you every day. May your little soul rest in peace. **


	5. E is for Edward Cullen

**Summary : ****A 26 part mini drabble series featuring various words representing each alphabet, starring different people of the DS crew. WARNING! Further scrutiny is strongly inadvisable. The content is random, chaotic and logic does NOT apply here. Might pose hazardous to brain chemistry, should you reread it more than five times. Turn back if the following symptoms are felt : Dizziness, nausea, brain haemorrhage, goose bumps, random bouts of insanity, craving for sharp pointy objects, glaring at random pieces of cheese, toxic bowel syndrome, diarrhoea, stealing funky straws from Starbucks, acid reflux and sinus infections. You have been warned!**

**-If the following symptoms are not present, please proceed at your own risk. Have a blessed neuronal-damaged day! ;P**

**Disclaimer :-** Don't own it. Eep.

A/N: Here's a nice lengthy chapter for all of you. Apologies to all Twilight lovers. Much bashing intended ahead. Avert thy eyes from the crazy sparkly-ness that is spawned from the ludicrous brain mush of a woman named Meyer lest they be driven to the brink of insane googly-eyed rabid fandom! Heh, I'm just kidding. Enjoy. ;)

**E is for Edward Cullen.**

Once upon time, in a ginormous hunk of rock in the middle of a snowy barrage a.k.a. Greenland, a certain fraternity – sorry, _clan_ of vampires thrived in secret. They were all quite happily cocooned from the outer world in their cooped up little mountain, drinking jugs of ale and poking each other in the eye with spears for sport. All was merry and gay, and not a single possible threat could overcome these hardy blood-drinking denizens (not even a fuzzy white monkey man that prowled outside and nearly ate them once or rabidly indulgent hallucinations pertaining to a certain insane Vampaneze Lord watching too many kiddie shows due to a mix-up with Lady Evanna's concoctions), leaving them perfectly safe, contented and secure..._Until_ a certain young Prince by the name of _Darren Shan_ stepped into the mountain, bringing along four black tomes of absolute abomination that made the literature world scream in abject horror.

The day had started out innocently enough. It was cool and calm inside the mountain – Larten was arm wrestling Arra in the Hall of Khledon Lurt, Vanez was jabbing at some spiders on the wall using a katana when Seba wasn't looking, Mika was sulking on his throne whilst Paris slept in his, Arrow flipped out when he noticed his precious tattoos were washable, Kurda was yanking his hair by the roots when new lines mysteriously appeared on his map of the mountain – suggesting possible tunnels that didn't quite exist (he'd walked into a wall twice and fell into a hole once already), Gavner was humming innocently in the corner with an ink pen hidden behind his back, Harkat was learning to cook Chinese food in the kitchens and lo and behold! Darren Shan lay curled up in his hammock, a single book propped open on his tummy as his eyes began to glaze over.

"Must drive fast cars and sparkle like glitter glue in the sun..." he muttered, ticking off a notepad he'd secretly procured from Kurda's drawer. "Must be clinically depressed all the time and exude exaggerated masculine perfection..."

A scuffle arose from somewhere beyond the cavern walls, but the half-vampire ignored the loud jabbering and continued his list.

"Must nurture overprotective instincts to the point of masochistic chauvinism that sends brunettes swooning or tripping over air..."

Larten burst into the room, followed by a smug Arra and a frazzled Vanez, which was currently being smacked repeatedly over the head by a broomstick wielded by Seba.

The young Prince's mentor cleared his throat, temporarily silencing the bickering pair.

"Darren, please tell Arra that the only reason I lost in an arm wrestling contest with her was because I was being a gentlemen and decided to give the lady a winning chance."

Arra snorted and brushed the red-faced orange-haired vampire aside.

"Darren, please tell my _beloved_ ex-mate that women vampire have _more_ than enough testosterone to take on fluffy-headed ditzy male vampires in any physical competition, whether they _care_ to acknowledge it or not." She threw Larten a triumphant glare, and the older vampire crossed his arms and huffed.

Darren Shan, oblivious to both his mentor and mentor's ex-mate glaring daggers at each other in the corner of the room, continued to read his prized novel.

"Must concoct suicide contingency plans should my true love jump off a cliff..."

"Oh, by black blood of Harnon Oarn!" Seba griped, thunking Vanez over the head. "At least you did not murder a dozen innocent arachnids in a mad fit to _cleanse_ the entire mountain!"

Vanez looked at the enraged Quartermaster reproachfully. "I was just trying to purge our home from their filthy hairy legs! What would you prefer – a free pest-control service or Mika screaming bloody murder when he discovers you've been secretly breeding thousands of spiders below his room?" he retorted.

Seba stopped in mid-swing and coughed sheepishly. "Mika does not know about that...And he would not need to because by then you will be dead!" His voice rose by an octave and he whirled his broom around in a wide arc – to which Larten and Arra promptly sprang apart and Vanez threw himself on the floor to avoid – and knocked the book from Darren's arms.

The sleek black novel bounced across the floor and skidded next to Seba's foot. Once the spell was broken, Darren Shan emerged groggily from his mind-numbing stupor, staring at the horrified faces around him. For a single heartbeat, no one moved. No one even _breathed_. Then in one stroke of unified repulsion, the four grown vampires approached the novel tentatively.

"Is that what I think it _is_?" Vanez asked fearfully, his eyes recognizing the hideous picture of an apple and a pair of hands imprinted at the front.

"Charna's guts!" Larten exclaimed, face flushing green. He might be illiterate, but he wasn't stupid. He could recognize a literary short circuit anywhere. And that..._thing_ lying on the floor was a desolate abomination thick enough to rival a dictionary.

Seba cautiously approached the book, eyes glued magnetically to its glossy cover.

"No, Seba!" Arra yelled, trying to push the older vampire back. "Don't – EEK!"

Then the inevitable happened. Seba Nile, respectable vampire of the clan and long-term Quatermaster of Vampire Mountain, currently armed with the invincible broomstick of doom, poked _it_. And poked it again. And again. Arra shrieked and jumped into Larten's arms. Darren scowled at them.

"Oh, for Charna's sake! It's not going to bite you!" He swung off his hammock and scooted forwards, bending over to pick it up. "See, let me show you-"

Seba gave a deranged yell and scooped it up, hissing at Darren like a rabid cat.

"Do not defile the most epic tale of glorified romance this world has ever seen by leaving your soiled little grubby fingerprints on it!" he thundered, panting heavily as he clutched the book tightly to his chest.

The half-vampire stepped back, eyes wide and arms spread apart placatingly.

"Oh-kay...The book is yours...No need to throw a hissy fit over it..." He turned away from a delirious Seba and mouthed to the other three vampires in the room, "What's wrong with him?"

"The book is cursed," Vanez explained quietly, stepping away from Seba, who'd whipped out a mallet from his cloak and glared at them daringly. "Anyone who gazes upon it becomes compelled to read it and succumbs to its shallow plotline, loses a vital bunch of IQ points and eventually turns into a gibbering love-starved idiot that believes in fanged fairy tales gone horribly perfectly right."

Darren's eyebrows flew up.

"In other words, they become an absolute moron," Arra added, looking mortified.

Larten coughed discreetly and set the vampiress down, but before he could say anything, another pair of vampires filed into the room – one looking severely pissed off whilst another looking sheepishly unrepentant.

"Good God Gavner, what did you do this time?" Larten asked, noticing the way Kurda's fingers kept twitching in strangle-like motions.

"Nothing," Gavner answered proudly. "I was merely practicing my Art skills. It's not my fault Kurda left a piece of paper lying around..."

"THAT WAS MY BEST MAP, DAMMIT!" the blonde pacifist roared, left eye twitching.

Everyone stepped back. It was true what they said : The quiet ones were always the dangerous ones. And Kurda Smahlt was generally a quiet, calm, collected vampire. Not a turbulent blonde mess that looked like a bloodthirsty raving lunatic.

"I don't get it," Gavner pondered, cocking his head to one side. "Aren't you impressed? I could rival Picasso!"

"What you are about to rival is a half-plucked turkey with its head lopped off when I'm through with you!" Kurda hissed through gritted teeth.

Darren immediately stepped between the pair. "Wait! There's no use fighting over this – we have a bigger problem!"

The blonde general turned to glare at him. The younger half-vampire gulped when he noticed the prince-to-be was beginning to develop an aneurysm.

"And what might be more important that having my best creation utterly ruined in the hands of an inebriated general who scribbles like a three year old?" he thundered slowly, sparks shooting out of his eyes.

Gavner began to protest. "Hey! I do not scribble like a-!"

But he was interrupted as Arrow flitted past the room, howling at the top of his lungs, "NOOOOOO! This cannot be happening! Why are they washable? Why, dear Gods! WHY?"

Everyone paused and stared as the bald Prince, just before he flopped onto the floor dramatically, mumbling something about having a 'crushed ego' and loss of 'uber-machoness...'

It wasn't long before another grumpy Prince emerged into view, frowning at his comrade's uncouth behaviour.

"For Charna's sake, Arrow! Pull yourself together before anyone sees you!" Mika Ver Leth hissed, looking strained.

"Then let them!" Arrow whined, eyes beginning to tear. "I have already lost my dignity and respect – what do you want next? My loincloth?"

Mika sighed and turned away, about to head off back to the Hall of Princes to torment some generals when he noticed the crowd of gaping vampires staring at him from a miniscule cave room. He froze. They stared. He moved to the right. They stared. He stuck his foot out. They stared. He wiggled his toes. They still stared.

Groaning, the sullen Prince raked a hand through his dark hair. "What are you all looking at? Don't you have anything better to do?"

Everyone shied away and began to stare at something else. Larten was the first to clear his throat.

"Well...Er, we might have a _problem_ that requires your attention at the moment, Sire. With all due respect," he blurted, looking a little flushed.

Mika raised a single eyebrow. "Oh? And what might this problem _be_?"

In one single unified stroke, all the vampires gestured towards Seba, who was crouched low in the corner and hissing at the offensive fingers in his direction, making turtle-snapping motions that promised them bloodied stumps for hands if anyone came close.

Mika merely looked bored at the senile vampire and shrugged. "Does not seem like a problem for a Prince to solve to me, Larten," he said languidly. "More like something some fresh air out of the mountain might be able to cure."

But before the dark Prince could turn away, Arra immediately pitched herself forwards, nearly tripping over a still-sobbing Arrow on the floor. "B-but Mika! Can't you see? He's holding the evil book of the Devil in his arms!"

He caught the vampiress along her waist and scowled, pushing her away. "Don't touch me."

And before she could move, let alone replace the look of utter shock on her face, Mika Ver Leth had swept out of view – but not before a certain cub Prince did the unthinkable. He seized the older Prince by the back of his cloak, dragging him into the room but accidently toppling over Arrow – and it wasn't too long before the three of them formed a Prince-sandwich with Darren trapped in the middle.

"WHAT IN THE BLACK PITS OF OSCA VELM DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, BOY?" the enraged dark-eyed vampire roared, beyond angry.

Everyone stepped back, including the incredibly frazzled blonde Prince-to-be who'd now simmered down a little and actually knocked into Gavner as he shuffled away. But Darren Shan, naive and undeterred, simply grabbed the older Prince's jaw and shifted it to the side, forcing him to stare at the gibbering Quartermaster.

"_Look_."

And so Mika did. He looked, long and hard. And when his eyes finally locked onto the black glossy cover of a book ensnared in Seba's arms, he swore colourfully.

"Um, can you get off?" Arrow simpered from under him, breaking his tirade. "I can't breathe."

Within seconds he'd scooted off Arrow and hauled Darren up with him, before dragging the bald Prince up next.

"Arrow, we have problem," he choked out, throwing a glance at Seba, who grinned at him manically, mallet in tow. "Code Gamma. I repeat, code _Gamma_."

Arrow rolled his eyes, then froze and went completely still. His jaw dropped and his eyes flitted to the book. "No..." he whispered, horrified. "But we took every single precaution! How could this-?"

"Pardon me, Sire," Kurda commented mildly, jerking all attention towards him. "But what is a code Gamma?" A few confused nods followed his question and Mika Ver Leth did the unthinkable. He began to panic.

"Everyone exit the mountain immediately – someone go get the generals and wake up Paris. Desmond Tiny got it wrong – there's no way in hell we're going to be eliminated by some crazy Vampaneze Lord, but by an abominable work of fiction spawned from a hellion!" He looked at each of them seriously, daring anyone to refute his words.

Arra gulped. Larten nodded. Kurda looked confused. Vanez scooted back against the wall. Gavner began to chew his nails. Darren rolled his eyes at him. Seba cackled in his corner. Arrow looked miserable.

"Damn, between you and me I'd say we're screwed," he muttered. Mika nodded sombrely in agreement.

And just as everyone began to make contingency plans – Vanez was already silently sneaking up on Seba to snatch away his mallet whilst Arra and Larten distracted him and Darren donned a pair of squeaky yellow rubber gloves to quickly grab the book – a certain Little Person zipped into the cavern, a flowery pink apron tied across his waist and a platter full of several bowls of stew propped on his stubby gray arms.

"I made some Pork dumplings...and Wanton Noodles...Anyone wants some?" Harkat Mulds asked cheerily, a creepy smiled stretched across his face. Everyone stopped and sniffed the air before sighing contentedly at the heavenly smell of food.

"That smells good, Harkat!" Darren commented brightly, taking a detour towards the Little Person instead.

But before the young vampire could grab a bowl, his orange-haired mentor dragged him back. "Oh no, you do not! We have bigger problems to attend to, Darren – and now is not the appropriate time to binge on Chinese food!"

"B-but Mr. Crepsley!" Darren cried out, aghast. "It's dumplings!"

"And mushu," Harkat added in a whisper.

"And _mushu_!" Darren emphasized.

Larten just sighed at his incorrigible assistant.

"Well, I don't know about the rest of you lot but I'm having some," Gavner harrumphed, marching towards Harkat and grabbing a bowl.

"Me too!" Vanez agreed.

"Count me in," Kurda said next, copying Gavner's actions.

Mika and Arrow shared a look, before grabbing a bowl each and downing their contents in several successive gulps.

Larten glowered at all of them and batted away the chopstick full of noodles Arra began to swish under his nose.

"Can I have some?" Seba asked tentatively, placing the abominable novel down and shuffling towards Harkat.

For one dreaded second, everyone drew in a sharp collective intake of breath. Harkat, noticing the sudden attention switch, gibbered robotically as he spotted the Twilight copy lying on the floor.

"Ooh, Twilight!"

"NO!" everyone shouted, just a second too late.

The Little Person had already picked the book up and began to leaf through the contents, looking positively curious. All the vampires exchanged anxious looks, except Seba, who was now poking through the bowl with his chopsticks and scowling when his noodles kept slipping away.

Oblivious to all the eyes glued to him, Harkat Mulds placed the book back on the floor.

"How come it didn't affect him?" Darren asked Arra.

"Maybe it's because he's already brain dead – only living tissue cannot withstand such evil corruption," Kurda answered pensively.

"So zombies aren't affected by them?" Gavner asked.

Vanez scoffed. "Zombies don't exist, Gavner...But I guess if you are catatonic or suffering from an incredibly depressing lifestyle, then perhaps you'll be able to withstand the fluffyness exuding out of that pathetic excuse of writing."

"Or you will attain a certain affinity to it and become rabid and socially dysfunctional," Arrow chipped in, eliciting several nods of agreement.

Harkat cleared his throat, drawing everyone's attention.

"So why are you...afraid of a book?" he asked inquisitively.

"We lose EQ points!" Vanez exclaimed horrifically.

"You mean IQ," Arra interjected, rolling her eyes.

The Gamesmaster's eyes bulged as he stared at the novel. "It's already affecting us! YOU SEE?"

All the vampires shuffled away, pressing themselves against the wall.

Harkat just shrugged and bent over to pick up the book again. "I can help you...get rid of it...if you want."

Mika cleared his throat. "On behalf of all the vampires in Vampire Mountain, I want to thank you, Harkat Mulds, for saving our sanity and stopping our integrity from being pillaged by a wanton shallow character with masochistic suicidal tendencies in a child's book." He paused and heaved a breath. "And I apologize for any inconveniences caused."

"It is alright...I do not mind," Harkat replied, straightening up and promptly dumping it into a recycling bin Paris had purchased few weeks ago via Ebay. Well, the old coot did want to do a good deed before kicking the bucket. So why not save the planet and go green?

All the vampires sighed in relief. Well, except Seba, who was now cursing and wondering whose bright idea was it to eat noodles with two sticks rather than a fork and spoon.

"You truly are brave, Mulds," Gavner chortled, clapping the Little Person's back. "Who knew Little People had so much courage!"

Harkat shrugged, unabashed. "Well, Stephenie Meyer did...write four books...They must be around here somewhere..."

A moment of terrified silence reigned, before an outbreak of dashing feet and vampires pushing themselves to get out of the door all at once ensued.

"Lemme out first! Lemme out!" Vanez yelled, his cool composure cracking.

"Shut up, Vanez! The Princes need to evacuate first!" Mika retorted, shoving an irate Larten behind him. "Without us, the clan will surely suffer!"

Kurda snorted. "So now you pull rank? So much for respect and equality!"

"Zip it, blondie!" Arrow groused, headbutting Gavner and stepping over his limp body, shortly after being tackled by Arra.

"Ladies first!" she growled.

"Ok, wait, wait! WAIT!" Darren shouted over the cacophony, only to be tossed over Harkat's petrified form.

And within seconds of more guttural hisses and squabbles, the entire sea of vampires managed to scramble out of the room and flit away – desperate to save their sanity before it was too late.

Darren moaned and clutched his head. Harkat sighed and hefted him up, before dusting off his robe.

"Whaz hazzened?" Darren asked groggily.

The Little Person smiled creepily. "Nothing. You were just...reading a book and fell...asleep. Then you...fell off your hammock and hit...the floor _hard_."

The half-vampire looked around blearily. "Oh really?"

Harkat nodded and handed Darren the now battered copy of Twilight. "Here you go...happy reading..."

He trotted out of the room, a devious glint in his green eyes. Back inside, Darren Shan stared at the back cover, engrossed by the incredibly short blurb.

"Oooh, Twilight..." he drawled happily, pulling out his notepad and making a list. "Ok, so let's start...Ah, must eat mountain lions before they eat you...!"

**A/N: Lame ending, I know. But I had to end it one way or another right? Plus I did want to expose Harkat's little deviousness...Admit it, from now on, you're not gonna look at the Little Person the same way again, are you? :D **

**P.S. I just realized that almost everyone is out of character for this chapter. Eek! Sorry! :S**

**P.P.S. I now have a new hamster, if anyone is interested. His name is so unoriginal and non-creative. He's called Oreo (*shivers*) – it was my sister's suggestion. Never listen to little sisters. Because they always turn those puppy dog eyes on you and have their way in everything. Including naming new pets. -.-"**


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